Not the Goat! - Round One

This is going to be brilliant.

Feeling that my blog has been a little lackluster in this busy week, and knowing that I will have to take the weekend off to facilitate and participate in 24 hour comics, films and plays, I figure it's time to pull out the big guns and post something so sensational and engaging it will exponentially boost traffic and forever mark my place in Internet history.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you... Not the Goat!

I figure that everybody loves reality TV. So you think you can sing/dance/wank/big brother/ idol /survivor /supermodel-adventure-time are so massive with the ever pliable public, that I figure it's high time that I cashed in on this craze. That's why I have created my very own D.I.Y. reality program that you, Dear Reader, can become obsessed with as it unfolds on my site. Intrigue! Tension! Surprise twists! But what is Not the Goat! all about?

Not the Goat! (TM) is founded on the idea that the public is fascinated by an eclectic grouping of random individuals - all of questionable talent and interest - who are systematically eliminated until only one remains. But how does it work? Well, I'm glad you asked.

One of the many great things about Not the Goat! is that it only costs me $1.99 to run. And yet the enjoyment that you'll get from it will be worth millions. The entire $1.99 budget has gone on securing some of the most questionable talent imaginable. Here's the team as they arrived earlier today:

What a crazy bunch! Will they get along? Who will be your favourite? Who will stay? Who will go? Who will care? YOU will care, Dear Reader. You will love them more than family. You just can't stop thinking about them. Even now.

So let's get to know our contestants:

Bill is a duck and personal trainer who just loves to party.

Dennis is a donkey/bricklayer, bogan with a 40 I.Q.

Pig/political activist Melissa's big personality is matched by her big, obese body.

Reg is a rooster, a part-time chef, and full-time racist.

Cat Claudia is an indiscriminately promiscuous single mother of 11.

Goat Gary is a surfer from northern Queensland. He likes footy and date-rape.

Hilda is an unemployed chicken who eats her young.

Unfeasibly tiny red bull Barry is a refugee who shits in hats.

Goose Cheryl is a professional netballer and alcoholic.

Wayne is a law student dog who likes slapping his genitals against willing faces.

Every Sunday night you will be on the edge of your seat as one of these crazy contestants is eliminated. I will pull a name out of a hat and the eliminated contestant will be dismembered instantly with a pair of scissors.

But there's a twist. The goat is the arbitrary public favourite. So if the goat is eliminated early in the show there will be an upset and you need to complain that the contest is rigged. However, if the goat is the first to be eliminated then the producers will go into damage control and claim that it was all a planned twist and will come up with a way to get the goat back in the game. And that's how you play Not the Goat! Plus, look out for surprise or double evictions!

Speaking of surprise evictions, now that our contestants are comfortable it's time for one of them to go! I'm reaching into the hat (which is a bag) and it is time to go....

Reg!

It looks like a racist rooster just didn't go down well in our multi-cultural society! I'm afraid it's the scissors for you, Reg you unlucky fucker. Reg's head is dismembered amid a racist tirade that would make Kramer blush. The public (and producers) breathe a big sigh of relief that the goat is still in.

But who will go on Sunday? Will it be your favourite? Tell me in the comments section who you would like to win, who you hate, and who you have a secret crush on. Then be frustrated when random chance eliminates your favourite while you have no real influence whatsoever.

Anything can happen on Not the Goat!

Join me on Sunday nights for more Not the Goat! (TM)

Please buy the Not the Goat! board game.